Hello, friends. You might be wondering - jeez, who schedules a post at 4 am EST? Well, that’s because I was actually born at 5:35 pm in Ambarnath, India, which is 4 am EST, the time this newsletter is hitting your inboxes.
This past year at 23 has certainly been challenging; I’ve been lucky enough to experience some accomplishments and, like everyone, have had my fair share of tough times. I count myself extremely fortunate for the love, support, and good humour from my friends and family. I also count myself extremely fortunate for all the lessons I’ve learned in this past year of living. As a thank you, I’ve tried to write down the top 23 lessons I’ve learned this past year. I hope they you find something in here that resonates.
Never skimp on two things; butter and toilet paper.
Do one thing the night before that you’re tomorrow self will thank you for.
In fact, just treat the entire night before like the “closing shift” at your job; turn on some good tunes, clear some things up, wipe down the countertops - leave everything nice for the person that has to open (hint, it’s literally you).
Get a good room and sheet spray. I’m a big P.F. Candle Co lover and love the Teakwood and Tobacco room and sheet spray for making my sheets and blankets smell like heaven (it also comes with me when I travel if I can fit it in my bag lol). The good people at P.F. Candle Co also make a room diffuser in the scent Piñon, which smells like heaven, if heaven was a bonfire in a New Mexico desert where you’re wrapped up in heavy blankets and toasting marshmallows with friends. But anyways, scent is one of our most impactful senses and just smelling one of those scents instantly relaxes me and changes my state of mind to remind me that I’m in my space, my room, unwinding, and not stressing.
If your extremities are cold, you are cold!! I can’t tell you the amount of times this past year that I’ve thought I was absolutely dying of cold, only to pop on some gloves or fluffy house slippers and feel completely fine immediately after. So cover up your feet, hands, and head when it’s cold out - you’ll be toasty in no time.
Give your friends space! Not everyone gives and receives love in the same way so don’t expect a certain amount of texts or dinners or whatever. Look at the way the people you love show up for you - actions are always louder than words - and let that guide you in understanding your relationship!
On that note though, don’t ever beg for a baseline level of decency from your friends. You can understand different communication and friendship styles and still feel supported and loved from your friends, that is non-negotiable. Don’t stick around for a mediocre relationship just because of the amount of years you’ve put into it or how good the night’s out are. You don’t have to formally end things either! Just reassess the relationship and phase it out. Your top tier of friends needs to be top tier quality - because you deserve top tier quality.
Spend money on travel!! If you are in the place financially to do so, travel as much as you can. This doesn’t have to mean whatever exotic place across the world is trendy (although it can!) but travel for a weekend to see your friend that lives across the state or country, take a train to a place you haven’t been before, hell take a 2 hour car ride somewhere and explore! That’s time and money you’re investing in yourself and memories that are actually priceless. I count myself insanely lucky to have travelled to London recently; it was absolutely fun and I was blown away by just how different the culture was there, despite me initially thinking it wouldn’t be as much of a culture shock since I speak the language and I was born in and then grew up in two former colonies (lol). But that trip, taken with my best friend, was incredible! It opened my eyes, pushed me out of my comfort zone, introduced me to new people and new things, and that’s always a good thing. If you can, pack up and travel!
There is absolutely no use in being in a relationship because you’re too scared not to be in one. I understand that it is difficult not to settle when you crave companionship, but trust me, you are hurting yourself and your partner when you stay in something long past its expiration date. Maybe things started out great and now they’re not. Maybe you thought it would get better and then it didn’t. Maybe you’re begging them to change and they can’t. Maybe you’ve just outgrown them and they can’t grow with you - or vice versa. Any number of those things can be true. But you cannot stay in a relationship and partnership just because it’s better than not being in one - that’s not honoring you, your partner, and your futures. Just because it is difficult or seems inconvenient doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing. Take time for yourself. Invest time in getting to know who you are alone, properly alone, and not craving someone to shower love back at you because it’s better than being alone.
And, on that note, don’t shove away a relationship or intimacy just because you’re too set in your ways to open yourself up to sharing your life. Intimacy and being vulnerable with someone else is wildly frightening but it can also be incredibly rewarding. If you are someone that experiences romantic love, you deserve to let yourself have that! Don’t push it away due to fear.
Speaking of relationships, let’s talk about the ones your friends have! Watching your friends fall deeply, madly, head-over-heels in love can be wonderful - until you stop seeing them. I call this “First Relationship Tunnel Vision.” Your best friends, your ride-or-dies, the people you bare your soul to, who hold your hair back when puking, the ones who know you inside and out, will absolutely forget you exist when handed their first real relationship. And it’s nothing against you! They’ve forgotten literally everyone else on the planet exists! It’s just what happens, a phenomenon as old as time. Usually they get their heads straight within a couple months or when they break up, and then you get your friend back. It’s like they spend ages underwater with their beloved until finally coming up for air - and realizing how very stupid they are because duh, you need air to live. I’ve seen this happen to many friends and I promise, they get better at treading water and breathing air.
Put everyone’s birthdays down in your iCal. You’re welcome.
Pick a hobby - hell, even two or three - and do them at least once a week. Do not ever attempt to monetize it. Do not ever attempt to beat yourself up if you are not good at them. Do them because you like doing them and keep doing them if you like doing them; if you start hating it, stop doing it, figure out why you started hating it, and pick up a new hobby that you enjoy 100%. We’ve fallen into a capitalistic trap that encourages us to only do something if we can capitalize on it when this goes against our very nature. In a world that demands constant production from you, rebel against it and find your joy.
Never ever let anyone make you feel less-than for loving something that they deem uncool. Everyone has their funny obsessions, some people just feel the need to hide theirs. Be proud of yours. Let that freak flag fly.
Claiming to not “like” reading isn’t quirky. Our attention spans are fried because of our phones, 1 minute long tiktoks, and a school system forcing us to read things without ever engaging with them in a meaningful way. You can fix that, though; don’t be the person thinking they are Very Cool and Very Different and Not Like Other People because you don’t like to read - that is a very quick and easy way to let absolutely everyone else know that you have no critical thinking skills. Listen to audio books, try and read for ten minutes at a time and slowly increase it, and, for the love of god, stop policing what you read. If you like reading smutty fantasy novels then read them - no one is stopping you! If you read things that are sorted under “classics” in Barnes and Noble just because you think that’s what reading is and that’s what you’re supposed to like, of course you’ll hate reading! Read your fanfiction, your smutty elf, or science fiction books proudly, but dear god READ.
A very easy way to show someone you care is to make them a playlist and update it regularly. If they send you one back, listen to it.
Know how to make at least 3-4 things in the kitchen. Bring those recipes to potlucks, parties, holidays, gatherings, or when a loved one is sick or grieving and can’t cook. It doesn’t matter if it’s easy, it matters that you took the time and effort to cook for someone.
Never ever leave gift shopping until the weekend before. You are simply guaranteed never to find anything. Trust me, I know from experience. Now, whenever I get an idea for a birthday gift or holiday gift, I write it down in my notes app and buy it as soon as possible, no matter how far away the gift giving date is.
Idk who needs to hear this, but it’s totally okay that you haven’t watched that movie. Or listened to that song. Or read that article. Just let yourself like the things you like and enjoy the media you consume.
You friends, family, and S/O are not your therapist. You can share with them but you should never expect them to fix your problems - you need to deal with that shit yourself. Mine have been my salvation but the work I’ve done with myself so that I can resolve my issues has helped me be a better friend, sister, and daughter in turn. It’s hard to show up for others in a meaningful way if you don’t show up for yourself.
Help your friends move.
If your friends help you move, buy them dinner.
No person is an island and if you think you can be super strong, tough things out on your own, and be individualistic as hell, even during this pandemic, then you’re knee deep in denial. We need each other to not just thrive but to survive. Friendship and companionship cannot be second thoughts. Treasure the people in your life that brighten your day and make life worth living. Set aside time for them. Cherish them. You are only here because of them. They are only here because of you.
Thank you for your love and your support. I appreciate you, my lil substack community!
See ya back here in a year for 24 new lessons!
With love, always,
Anjor
I loved reading it...I felt so good. Actually even i'm going to turn 24 soon and i'll also make a list inspired by you. So much self love, thankyou for this <33